Yes, I know it’s just “Dark of the Moon”. I’ll get to that in a minute. My turkey of the week is the third installment of Michael Bay’s Transformers, and man is it terrible. Today I’ll be explaining just how terrible, but before I get ahead of myself, please allow me to summarize the plot (if it can be called that) for those who haven’t seen it (Yes, there be some spoilers here, but trust me, if you haven’t seen it by now, you’ve dodged a cannon shell).
“…and then we’ll use them for SLAVE LABOR!”
Ok, so apparently that moon landing was just so we could check out the crashed alien ship and bring back some samples (turns out it was an Autobot ship). Not too bad so far. BUT WAIT, what could be more exciting than a grand conspiracy to cover up an alien moon landing? Why, the misadventures of Sam Witwicky, of course! Sam (a.k.a. Shia LaBeouf, which Melissa tells me translates to “The Cow” in French) can’t seem to get anyone to take him seriously, in spite of 2 movie’s worth of heroics, and he’s looking for a job! Not interested? Too bad! You get to watch him be all frustrated and insecure for what feels like the entire first half of the movie!
Oh, and I guess there’s something about scientists and astronauts getting murdered for their connections to the moon landing, but seriously, why would you be interested in that in a movie called “The Adventures of a Figity, Annoying White Guy Who Somehow is Rediculously Lucky With Incredibly Attractive Women”? Oh wait, no, this is “Transformers”, or something, isn’t it? Well then, moving right along…
Finally everyone suddenly stops ignoring Sam (ok, not really, but I don’t care), the Autobots find this guy stuck in his ship on the moon, and apparently he’s the guy who was going to to stop the war between Autobots and Deceptacons… but got lost somehow. Then they go back to Earth, and then…
You know what, I’m done. This plot was not only extremely predictable and unoriginal, but it was delivered by the most wooden acting, with the poorest pacing, and with way too many butt-shots of the token hot chick to even merit a synopsis. So, here are my problems with this absurdly bad movie, in bullet point form!
Over All it Was Basically Exactly What I Would Expect from Michael Bay
So, my complaints boil down to three major categories: Script, Execution, and Plot. I could go on, but I have to stop somewhere.
- Script: There has got to be a circle of hell devoted solely to the particularly creative torture of the writers of bad puns. This movie is full of them, and the ludicrous, spastic characters cannot keep a straight scene going more than 30 seconds without some sort of slapstick gag. I recall from the first movie, Bumblebee basically urinating “oil” right on a character’s head, and that sort of humor seems to have set the stage for every other joke in this franchise. There is not a shred of intelligence in this writing. You will only find cliches and stereotypes mixed with cuss words and fart noises. Every character that is supposed to be funny is crass and obnoxious, or foul-mouthed and in desperate need of a strong dose of Ritalin. Oh and come on, “The Dark of the Moon”? Was that on purpose? What kind of stupid title is that? Was “The Dark Side of the Moon” already copyrighted, or are did you just feel it necessary to broadcast your incompetence in the very title of your atrocity?
- Execution: Not only is the writing in this movie completely unbearable, but the acting is so far gone that I can only imagine that the writers just thought the actors were so bad that their brilliant writing came off so terribly, and the actors thought the writing kept them from acting to their potential. LaBeuf’s character is spastic and annoying, but I can almost believe it isn’t his fault- until I see almost everyone else acting similarly. Where’s the “straight man” in all of this, I wonder?
- Plot: Not only is the general script writing awful, and the acting unforgivably bad, but The story of this movie sounds to me like it was written by a 3rd-grader. The entire movie is centered on the Deceptacon’s great… well, deception, and how their cospiracy goes back for decades. Obviously, the bad robots could not be villains unless they wanted to take over the world, but why do they want to? To replaces their own planet? Well no, they actually manage to sort of bring their planet to earth through a giant portal (don’t ask me how that didn’t just destroy both the Earth and Cybertron). Well ok, so maybe they just need resources (from Earth, presumably), and want to enslave humanity! Wait a second, let’s think about that one- what use would a race of machines (that can turn into whatever other machine they want to) have for a bunch of puny mammals? To lift things for them? They’re a bunch of machines, lifting things is basically what they do. Humans would be the most useless sort of pets a race of sentient machines could possibly have. But don’t worry, no one ever bothers to explain why the Deceptacons would ever want to enslave the human race. It apparently doesn’t matter, it’s just so they can be evil. The rest of the plot is no better, before or after this inexplicable plot hole announces itself.
So, all in all, there was nothing in this movie for me to enjoy. The CGI was cool, but absolutely every shred of fun I could have derived from this film was ripped away by the other, shockingly terrible aspects of the movie. People, why do you go to these movies? Don’t you realize we will NEVER progress beyond this filth unless you stop encouraging these people? This movie grossed over a billion dollars in the box office, for peat’s sake. We as the human race reject this sort of perpetual cycle of travesties, and move on.
And that’s my rant. Phew. That was kind of mean, wasn’t it? Sorry to anyone who actually enjoyed this movie- I don’t mean to insult your intelligence. If you managed to pull any entertainment at all out of this movie, more power to you. I envy your cast-iron stomach. Anyway, who else saw this movie? Agree or disagree, and to what degree? Let me know in the comments below!